I said what I said. 😈
I said what I said. 😈
Hello again. It has been a while! I have recently picked up writing again, especially in my recovery process, and I figured I’d start sharing here again too. Buckle up.
Yes… I am in recovery. Powerful words I never thought I would say. Only two months ago I was sitting at the beach with nothing but suicidal intentions and a body full of benzos and alcohol, and I chose death. In those moments, all I wanted was relief. I disconnected from everything and every one around me, and I succumbed. I woke up in the emergency room the next day with zero recollection of how I got there and this wasn’t the first time. How did it get this bad?
A lot has happened in the last 5 years… The short version? I took time off to start a family, I lost the closest person to me suddenly and without warning, I survived postpartum depression, and I am now recovering from alcohol and pills. While many of you know about my struggles with motherhood and COVID, no one really knows about my using and how bad it really was. For the past few years, I have been heavily addicted to Xanax, Klonopin, and alcohol. Unaware of their contraindications at the time, I was (barely) functioning under the influence every day since around the start of COVID until the beginning of December 2021. I hit my all-time low the day I lost my grandmother in October 2021; that was when I was so consumed with panic attacks that I attempted to take my own life. I tried again with more gusto in November, only to be re-hospitalized. I wasn’t able to see past that point in my life at the time between losing my grip on relentless motherhood and losing my grandma. Something had to change if my genuine attempts were not going to work, more importantly if my kids were to have a mother. I decided to go to a treatment facility for the month of December. It was a beautiful sanctuary in the San Rafael hills. I learned a lot there, but I still have a very long way to go and a huge stack of recovery books and workbooks to finish. It’s worth it — I am finally starting to feel the clarity I’ve been craving and its otherworldly.
Big things are in the works for the year of 2022! I mistakenly slated my comeback at the start of COVID and have been waiting with blue balls ever since. I am so eager for the day I can safely be on set again. No spoilers, but Jacky and I are cooking up something big. Until that glorious moment, I’ll be messaging on my OnlyFans like usual and posting some new scenes soon. I have been working out like crazy and I am feeling so good in my skin these days. Exciting times!
It’s been a non-stop emotional rollercoaster since 2016. I won’t go into too much detail because there is just… so… much. But if you’ve been on this ride with me or you are experiencing depression too, then you’re probably slightly interested in what’s been going on in my personal life.
I am writing this with the hope of encouraging or relating to anyone in a situation like mine because it is more common than people really know — and that is 100% because people don’t talk about it. There is a lot people don’t talk about when it comes to the not-so-glamorous parts of real life and I’d rather not contribute to that silence. So many women go through miscarriages and postpartum depression alone because of the shame that comes with these very natural and very common processes. I, myself, have only recently started seeing a professional for mental and emotional support; and with that, I am starting to see the beauty in reaching out, in relating to others, in the community of it all. I guess that’s why I am writing this now. There is a phrase I’ve heard before but now truly understand: it takes a village to raise a mother. Fuck. Yes. It does.
Before my first child, I lost a baby. It was the summer of 2016, right about when this blog went silent. I miscarried at 8 weeks. No symptoms, no warnings signs… no words. The weeks after I lost my first baby were filled with confusion; self-doubt; and so much intense, white-hot rage. I isolated myself and got angry with everyone and everything around me. I started dumb, petty fights on Twitter with girls from my industry, even some I cared about.
I was not okay.
I truly didn’t know how to cope. Even though he was so supportive and loving and held my hand through it all, I had a hard time facing my husband, Zack. I couldn’t face him because I felt like I had failed him. I had failed us — or so I kept convincing myself. So what did I do? I ran away to Europe for 3 weeks. Literally. Packed my bags and left for France, ended up drowning myself in wine and delicious food. It sounded pretty destructive to those closest to me at first, but it honestly ended up being a great healer. I was able to distract myself with the beauty of Paris on my good days, but I also stayed cozy in my Airbnb with wine and reruns of The Office when I just wanted to hide from the world. After 3 weeks and some train rides around Europe, I returned to Vegas, which is where we were living at the time and before I could even stress about where to go from that point, we got pregnant with Finn. It was like the universe was making it happen. I went from complete self-doubt to being this glowing ball (literally) of life. It was a huge shift, the first of many life-altering adjustments to come.
To make a long story short here, I’ve had 3 pregnancies and 2 babies in the past 2 years. All of my pregnancies were very rough and both babies spent significant time in the NICU. And with each birth have come these huge emotional waves of postpartum depression (PPD). Did I mention we have also moved 4 times in the last 2 years? Right. Okay. So THAT amount of compounding hormones and stress would surely do a person in. Well after the 4th move, I really snapped. I had finally reached my physical, mental, emotional maximums; and I was rapidly unraveling. The day before we arrived at the new house, everything went dark. I just could not visualize my life past that day… But I’m still here.
I’m still here because I was honest to those close to me that I wasn’t feeling like myself, but it was also pretty clear to my immediate family that something needed to be done. I was drowning.
I have recently started talking to a mental health professional who specializes in PPD. It’s not for everyone but it is already helping me so much. Talking it out with someone versed in my struggles and finding healthy ways to cope seems like the best route. I refuse to take prescription medication for depression so it’s up to me to actively find ways to be the best version of myself I can be, or who am I to my family? What kind of wife am I? What kind of mother am I? What example am I setting for them if I just wallow and stay miserable? I need to be the best for them, but in order to do that I need to take my health more seriously and stop testing my limits. I need to be better at asking for help and stop telling myself “I can do it, I don’t need help”. That is all incredibly isolating and it does not benefit anyone involved. It’s the whole “secure your own mask before helping others” thing. I get that now.
With all of this crushing pressure, this intense emotional weight I am bearing, I know I am in a period of transmutation. Each ugly, painful moment is shaping me into the woman I am capable of being. Grapes are crushed to make wine. Diamonds form under pressure. Seeds grow in darkness. That whole jam. I just can’t wait to be on the other side.
The figurative black cloud has not lifted. It’s still hard, but I’m taking each day as it comes. There are some days that I feel like Supermom. There are some days where I wake up and struggle fiercely until bedtime. On those days, we go slow: eat good foods, watch movies that make us happy, go for a walk to the playground. My oldest is 1 1/2 now and he is so good at keeping my spirits up. I am so grateful for him and his brother everyday.
I am still trying to catch my breath after all that the last 3 years have thrown at me, but if anyone is dealing with these feelings too then please reach out to someone you trust. Or someone you can pay to trust. Or my DMs are open for loving conversations.
Last week, I was on the No Jumper podcast! What a treat. These dudes are the epitome of awesome. We have some beers, open up about how I got into porn, how I feel about it now, my future plans, and I teach Robesman how to handle booty calls. Watch the video here: http://bit.ly/1TW7mSb
I have been getting a lot of anticipated questions since I finished my first level of EMS training in January. My agency, fans, and my closest friends all congratulated me on my first out of three “graduations” on Twitter because they are all fucking awesome, but it stirred up a lot of curiosity, as did my Instagram post — 1) “Are you retired?”; 2) “Will you still be on social media when you are done?”; 3) “Are you going to have trouble getting into the medical field with your past career?”… Nearly. Yes. And maybe. Allow me to elaborate…
1) I haven’t shot since school took over my life about a year ago, but I say nearly retired because I am still currently offering my private Snapchat account to anyone who wishes to subscribe/see me run around my house naked with a bunch of my hot friends & boyfriend/interact with me on private messages, etc. You can subscribe to my private XXX Snapchat at www.RemyLaCroix.com. I plan to continue Snapchatting throughout my transition. And if you’re not into paying for porn & just want some memorabilia, shop my online store at www.RemyLaCroix.manyvids.com. Don’t fret. I ain’t gone yet!
2) When I am finished with this round of school to the Paramedic level in about a year (*ahem* your girl already has a BS in Cellular/Molecular Biology), at that time I will be leaving my Remy social media at peace. I plan on creating other ways for you to find me, share things with me, so we can stay connected with each other — and that’s why I say “yes/sort of”! I love Twitter and Snapchat the most, the interactions are just better. So even if I am not being a “typical XXX girl” online once my new career has started, you best believe I’ll still be a regular lady, tweeting & Instagramming like the rest of em! I will be creating new accounts for myself and I won’t say goodbye without letting you guys know what they are. Promise.
3) Porn is hard to transition out of. Period. But I have yet to meet someone who discourages me from wanting to save lives. It’s not about where you’ve been, it’s about where you’re going.
This world is still, and I fear will always be, a bit close-minded when it comes to XXX women having any substance, or other things going on in our lives, or dreams and aspirations of our own. Yes, we have had sex on camera and have gotten paid for it… but goddamn does that take courage and confidence like a mother fucker. Seriously… You go get naked in front of a camera and tell me how comfortable you feel. Honestly. It takes incredible audacity and spirit. (So think twice next time you slut shame a girl, just saying.)
I got into porn after college, to explore myself and find what I like sexually, not because I was a dumb, pretty girl looking for easy money or porn-fame. Pornstars get pinned into that stereotype too much, but that doesn’t mean every woman fits it. More importantly, who would EVER discourage a human being to NOT WANT to save another human’s life, regardless if they have shot porn or not? I have yet to meet that person in my walks of life. I’ve opened up to quite a few EMS friends of mine that have been nothing but encouraging and are happy to help me through this transition.
I love this randomly-full, free-flowing life I have built for myself. Life is far too short to forget that happiness is a choice, not a blessing. Do anything you want. Be everything you want. So long as you’re giving it your best self.
Much love and thank you to everyone for your support. XOXO
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It was a year of amazing girl sex, anal, and box covers for me…
“Sirious” from POPPORN Productions. (1/8/2015)
“#MyFace” from Arch Angel. (1/13/2015)
“Remy” from HardX. (2/25/2015)
“Sex Tape Lesbians: A Girl’s POV” from Girlsway. (3/19/2015)
“#MyAss” from Arch Angel. (3/19/2015)
“Massage School Dropouts” from Wicked Pictures. (4/8/2015)
“Remy’s Angels” from Arch Angel. (6/18/2015)
“Remy Loves Adriana” from Brazzers. (7/6/2015)
“Art of Romance 5” from EroticaX. (7/22/2015)
“Stockholm Syndrome” from James Deen Productions. (9/8/2015)
This movie was honestly the only thing that mattered to me in porn this year. There was way too much unnecessary drama between myself and brand-new, poorly-run companies and unprofessional directors… but then there was James. He came to me with this story and I think I let him get about five words into describing it before I said, “yes, let’s do that.” I love James and everything he does, but this movie was especially creative. Please watch the trailer. Buy the movie. Own it. Love it. It’s amazing.
“Brothers and Sisters” from Sweet Sinner. (9/30/2015)
“Ultimate Brunettes” from Arch Angel. (11/6/2015)
“#MyAss 2” from Arch Angel. (11/17/2015)
“Sock it to Me” from Brazzers. (12/1/2015)
“Untamed” from Adult Empire. (12/17/2015)
I shot a bunch more in 2015, but I think this is yet another solid gist. I also started going back to school for EMS last year, which took up a lot of my time. I am still currently in school while shooting and camming, so look out 2016… You’re already my bitch.
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“Corrupt Schoolgirls 6” from Reality Junkies. (1/15/2014)
“Lisa Ann Loves Girls” from Jules Jordan Video. (4/14/2014)
“Dripping Wet Asses” from Elegant Angel. (4/29/2014)
“DP Masters” from Jules Jordan Video. (5/5/2014)
There is obviously still a trailer link there, but I love these pictures so goddamn much.
“Gabi Gets Girls” from Evil Angel. (6/25/2014)
We won Best Girl/Girl Scene for AVN for this one in 2015. I guess it is just that good when raver girls fuck.
“Remy Loves Girls” from Sweetheart Video. (8/20/2014)
Best part about this movie was getting to list every girl I wanted to make love to, and all my wishes came true. When does that ever happen in real life?! It doesn’t, which just makes this a dream. A successful one.
“Glory Hole Loads 3” from Bang Bros. (9/2/2014)
Glory holes and dirty, depraved sex are my guilty pleasure. I think I established that for myself when I got gangbanged the first time. Duly noted and fully displayed in this scene. This glory hole scene is my favorite though.
“My Wife’s Hot Friend” from Naughty America. (9/4/2014)
My first time with Shane Diesel. (9/16/2014)
“Bonnieland: A Gangbang Fantasy” from Mental Beauty. (9/23/2014)
“Remy LaCroix” (compilation) from Naughty America. (9/25/2014)
“Holly…Would” from Wicked Pictures. (9/30/2014)
“Butt Works” from Vivid. (10/14/2014)
“Naughty America Athletics” from NA. (12/4/2014)
Other than a few (several) compilations and many Naughty America and Bang Bros scenes, that was about it for me for 2014… scene-wise. AVN/award show-wise… it was so much more than that. In 2014, I won Best Actress from AVN, Xbiz, and XRCO for my role in New Sensations’ “The Temptation of Eve”. I also won XRCO’s Female Performer of the Year, and two other scene awards from AVN. On top of all that, I got to perform with Machine Gun Kelly onstage for the AVN Award show.
It’s years like 2014 that I am going to look back on when I am 80 and say to my old self, “Fuck yeah, you sexy bitch.” I never would have believed this happening to me if you PROMISED me it would a couple years prior. Would not believed. Hashtag blessed.
Yesterday, I flew to Los Angeles JUST to see Taylor Swift in concert with my lady, Jacky St. James, and good Lord it was really worth it. I’ve enjoyed Swift’s catchy songs for years now, but Taylor herself said it best last night: the 1989 album and World Tour has been a true reflection of her “rebirth” musically. Through all of her self-exploration, she has obviously grown into such a beautifully talented woman, with strongly powerful and positive messages for both younger kids and adults: messages of love and self-worth, that, no matter who you are, or where you come from, or how old you are, you are better off dancing to the beat of your own drum, completely disregarding the need to “fit in” because that’s just not where true happiness comes from. And she’s 100% correct. I loved that there were so many young girls there, all of them hearing these strong messages about self-love and self-worth so early in life; Taylor is the epitome of a perfect role model.
A lot of what she said about being true to who you are and not getting caught up in the pitfalls of negative social media interactions was very close to home for me, and even made me shed some tears. Tears of happiness. Tears of relief. Tears of acceptance and hope for my own future. I could go on and on about how pleasantly humble and thankful she was last night, but I won’t. I will just suggest that you experience her in person for yourself; even if you’re not particularly a fan, take your girlfriends. Your daughters. Your nieces. Your mothers.
It was truly a live performance I will never forget. That girl can JAM.
OK. I’ve been staring at a blank template for over an hour now. Basically, I’m elated by all of the supportive fans — the positive, “do what makes you happy” response made the decision easier. A lot of people have said it’s too soon to be done. And that’s silly because it’s absolutely not up to them. I.D.G.A.F., or whatever it is the cool kids are saying these days.
I’m still here just being me. SO LET’S ALL KEEPING SMILING AND MOVE ON NOW. 🙂
Since I’ve been keeping my Twitter super updated, I don’t really have any new, awesome, slutty pictures… except this one from today…
…but I will! Especially because I’m going to be on set with a couple of pretty girls tomorrow. You may know them, Jessie Rogers and Krissy Lynn? Oh, you do! Yeah… big booty party. That’s what’s up. Stay tuned.