Monthly Archives: January 2022

Alive and Well.

Hello again. It has been a while! I have recently picked up writing again, especially in my recovery process, and I figured I’d start sharing here again too. Buckle up.

Yes… I am in recovery. Powerful words I never thought I would say. Only two months ago I was sitting at the beach with nothing but suicidal intentions and a body full of benzos and alcohol, and I chose death. In those moments, all I wanted was relief. I disconnected from everything and every one around me, and I succumbed. I woke up in the emergency room the next day with zero recollection of how I got there and this wasn’t the first time. How did it get this bad?

A lot has happened in the last 5 years… The short version? I took time off to start a family, I lost the closest person to me suddenly and without warning, I survived postpartum depression, and I am now recovering from alcohol and pills. While many of you know about my struggles with motherhood and COVID, no one really knows about my using and how bad it really was. For the past few years, I have been heavily addicted to Xanax, Klonopin, and alcohol. Unaware of their contraindications at the time, I was (barely) functioning under the influence every day since around the start of COVID until the beginning of December 2021. I hit my all-time low the day I lost my grandmother in October 2021; that was when I was so consumed with panic attacks that I attempted to take my own life. I tried again with more gusto in November, only to be re-hospitalized. I wasn’t able to see past that point in my life at the time between losing my grip on relentless motherhood and losing my grandma. Something had to change if my genuine attempts were not going to work, more importantly if my kids were to have a mother. I decided to go to a treatment facility for the month of December. It was a beautiful sanctuary in the San Rafael hills. I learned a lot there, but I still have a very long way to go and a huge stack of recovery books and workbooks to finish. It’s worth it — I am finally starting to feel the clarity I’ve been craving and its otherworldly.

Big things are in the works for the year of 2022! I mistakenly slated my comeback at the start of COVID and have been waiting with blue balls ever since. I am so eager for the day I can safely be on set again. No spoilers, but Jacky and I are cooking up something big. Until that glorious moment, I’ll be messaging on my OnlyFans like usual and posting some new scenes soon. I have been working out like crazy and I am feeling so good in my skin these days. Exciting times!